Jokes

 DEEP THOUGHTS:

1. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
2. If love is blind, how can we believe in love at first sight?
3. Why isn't the word "phonetic" spelled like it sounds?
4. Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have a 's' in it?
5. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
6. When they ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
7. Can people who work in doctors offices call in sick?
8. If olive oil comes from olives and corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
9. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we know it?
10. Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
11. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
12. If teflon is non-stick, how did they get it to stick to the pan?
13. If it's zero degrees outside today, and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
14. Why do they call it "getting your dog fixed" if afterwards it doesn't work anymore?
15. How do you let people know you painted a "wet paint" sign?
16. How do you know when you're out of invisible ink?
17. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
18. Did Adam and Eve have navels?
19. If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
20. When a cow laughs, does milk come out her nose?
21. How do you throw away a garbage can?
22. What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?
23. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
24. If you shoot a mime, would you have to use a silencer?
25. Why do irons have a setting for "permanent" press?
26. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
27. If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes"?
28. You know how buttered toast always falls buttered side down and cats always land on their feet? What if you buttered the back of a cat? Which side would it land on?
29. Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
30. Why do they call it stationary if you're supposed to mail it?
31. Do pediatricians play miniature golf?
32. If a #2 pencil is so popular, why is it still #2?
33. If a fly didn't have wings, would we call it a walk?
34. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
35. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
36. What would happen if somebody cared that Jimmy cracked corn?
37. Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
38. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
39. If Wile E Coyote had enough money for all the Acme products, why didn't he just buy dinner?
40. If you are addicted to dancing, do you have to go through a 12 step program?
41. Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?
42. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
43. How do you know if a crouton is stale?
44. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
45. Why does sour cream have an expiration date?
46. When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
47. What does "it" mean in "what time is it"?
48. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person drives a race car not called a racist?
49. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
50. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
51. Why do fat chance and thin chance mean the same thing?
52. If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
53. Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
54. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
55. Why is it that if someone tells you there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them. But if they tell you a wall has wet paint, you have to touch it to be sure?
56. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
57. Should a crematorium give discounts to burn victims?
58. Why do we wait until the pig is dead to cure it?
59. Is there another word for synonym?
60. What is another word for thesaurus?
61. Can fat people go skinnydipping?
62. If eyes have eyebrows, why aren't moustaches called mouthbrows?
63. Did the early settlers ever go camping?
64. What would happen if you xeroxed a mirror?
65. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
66. What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?
67. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
68. If someone tells you he is a chronic liar, should you believe him?
69. When it rains, do cotton fields shrink?
70. If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read correctly?
71. What is the speed of dark?
72. If a vampire can't see his reflection, how does his hair stay so neat?
73. Is animal shampoo tested on humans?
74. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
75. Does a tanker truck full of helium weigh more full or empty?
76. What do you call male ballerinas?
77. Why don't you ever hear about gruntled employees?
78. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
79. If you drove at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
80. If you were traveling at the speed of sound, and you turned on your radio, would you be able to hear it?
81. Why do we know about the "Secret Service"?
82. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mail men could look for them while they delivered the mail?
83. How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
84. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
85. Would a blind tourist use a sightseeing eye dog?
86. After eating, do amphibians have to wait an hour to get out of the water?
87. What did tornadoes sound like before trains were invented?
88. Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
89. Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
90. Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
91. Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
92. Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
93. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
94. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
95. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
96. Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
97. You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
98. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
99. Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
100. If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
101. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

RANDOM THOUGHTS:

1. I once heard it said you should live every day as if it were your last.  So I don't do laundry any more.  After all, who wants to do laundry on the last day of their life?
2. Where in the nursery rhyme does it say Humpty Dumpty is an egg?
3. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
4. I doubt, therefore I might be.
5. Why do toasters even have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp?
6. I was shopping at a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
7. No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.
8. Always remember that you're unique, just like everyone else.
9. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
10. During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor, because you were "just going down to the corner."
11. All generalizations are wrong.
12. If somebody vanishes without a trace, how do people know they are missing?
13. What do you say when someone says you're in denial, but you're not?
14. If a boomerang always comes back when you throw it, why bother throwing it in the first place?
15. Before criticizing someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then, when you do criticize them, you will be a mile away and have their shoes.
16. Why do we say something "is out of whack"? What's a whack?
17. Why does Donald Duck wear a towel when he comes out of the shower, when he doesn't usually wear any pants?
18. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts!
19. Why can't women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
20. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
21. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
22. I'm a schizophrenic and so am I.
23. First time cross-country skiers should choose a small country.
24. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?"
25. Who opened that first 'oyster' and said "My, my, my. Now doesn't 'this' look yummy!"
26. Who was the first person to see an egg come from a chicken's butt and think, "I'll bet that would be good to eat"?
27. I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
28. I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before I met her.
29. Four fifths of all people have trouble with fractions.
30. I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
31. Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
32. Half the people you know are below average.
33. How did a fool and his money GET together in the first place?
34. It's not an illusion, it just looks like one.
35. Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
36. Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
37. The early bird gets the worm, but the 2nd mouse gets the cheese.
38. All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
39. In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now they take Prozac to make it normal.
40. Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
41. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.